This is what my MDD feels like:
I woke up today filled with dread, the worst, most crippling sick-to-my-stomach dread... unnamed dread... it had no source, but the feeling was very very very REAL, and that combination only amps up the anxiety... making me feel like something horrible is right around the corner and I don't even know what to expect, but it's coming, it's definitely coming, and it's very bad.
I knew it was gonna be a bad day right away, even after I popped an anti-anxiety med. The force of despair inside me was rising way too fast and furious for mere pills to curb the tide.
Things just got worse as the day went on. My skin is crawling. I feel hollow inside. My hands won't stop shaking. My throat is closed up tight as a fist. It's hard to breathe. My torso hurts with every movement. My limbs feel numb and heavy and hard to manage. Nausea is burning in my stomach and I feel dizzy and weak. I feel faint every time I stand up. My blood pressure is soaring and I am covered in a cold sweat. And that feeling of creeping dread has grown 100 times more intense as the day goes on.
This is MDD. This is the illness that I am living with. It sucks monkey ass. At times like these I feel like a freak. It's embarrassing. It makes me hate my body; it's like my very being is sabotaging me. My brain is telling me to run, to hide, to be afraid for no valid reason. How retarded is that??
How do I even explain something like that to anyone? "Oh hi there, I'm Shady, and I'm freaking out for absolutely no reason right now! My brain is wrongly misfiring fight-or-flight chemicals into my system and making me panicky, but hey, I'm just peachy, I'm not an insane freak, wanna be pals?!" *facepalm*
It's hard to see the light of reality when everything is buried in this treacherous shit. I tell myself over & over- 'breathe, you're ok, nothing bad is happening'... but my body doesn't care. The dreadful paranoia just rolls on. It's scary to not be in control. It's scary not to be able to stop this. There are days when I can... sometimes the meds do help... well, mostly they do help. But some days they don't, nothing does. Today I thought about death, today I got into fights with people I love, today I sat on my bathroom floor in the dark and cried. Today is one of those days. Hopefully tomorrow will be better.
And this is what my MDD feels like.
*flips MDD off*