go be a snake

Life. Life life life life. What the Hell. Last time I posted here with the utmost naivete... talking about happiness with such simplicity... like it was ever that easy? It never is. And that's the beauty of it, in retrospect. Right?

As I write this I am not sober... I am riding on a warm lovely wave of drunken buzziness that tingles my limbs and lubricates my brain... lately I am learning to love myself so much, and also to be easier on myself, and to take care of myself. And to recognize the BULLSHIT. And to call it out when I see it. Last time I posted here I had a 'boyfriend'. A 24-year old, motorcycle-racing, death-defying, drug-snorting boyfriend. And wtf was I thinking on that one? Yeah. 35-year-old midlife crisis insanity... riding on the back of a bike at 195 mph... playing with guns and snakes and all manner of dangerous things that I would normally have a much healthier sense of respect for... who knows what I was thinking? But I straightened my shit and dumped the loser, and I got it together again. Dumbass Shady!

Right now I am in such a state of pureness... so in touch with myself. I am in love with life. I am letting myself go. I am feeling it all. Yeah yeah fuckers I know- you're all like "daaaaamn she's so wasted right right now!" ... and yeah, I am! But I am being sincere. Life is good. Life is worth living. It really is.

So last post I mentioned that I had inherited a pet snake- a 4 foot+ bull snake- and last week, I walked out into the desert and set him free. I watched him slither into the sandy desert floor, watched him feeling his freedom at last... and I told him, "Go be a snake, old man"... and he sidewinded off into the wild. It was fucking beautiful.
I let a little piece of myself go with him, into the wild, into freedom. Viva!

taser guns + alcohol equals...

So last night we were hanging at my house when my crazy cousin Mike decided to see what it would be like to taser himself.

Here's what happened. Don't try this at home, kids.

tonight I will wear blue

It's Thursday again, and that means... girl's night out woot!

I've been waiting for tonight all week long. I'm ready to whoop and holler. Well, maybe not holler. People may think I'm a little bit insane if I just HOLLER. I just might give a 'whoop-whoop' though.

I can tell that I am getting better because I actually want to go out. I am excited about it, even. When my depression is rearing it's butt-ugly head I have a hard time even leaving my room. I become Hermit Woman... and if there was a cave handy with connection to teh internets I would so be there. That feeling has gradually been fading the past few weeks, and I am so grateful. I'm ready to come out of this stifling shell. I have a lot to thank Dollface for, as she's always, always ready & willing to be my sidekick on these Thursday night adventures.

I'm going to wear electric blue tonight... I am craving more color in my life lately. I want to sweep the dark stuff aside and see the colorful stuff underneath. I can't remember the last time I ventured out in anything that wasn't dark or muted. Tonight feels like a good night for electric blue... bzzzzt!

Tonight I will wear blue, tonight I will drink cranberry juice + vodka and listen to karaoke. Tonight I will tell my BFF some secrets and some jokes... tonight I will laugh, and smoke a cigarette or two, and be open to the possibilities... tonight, I will let my (much-shorter!) hair down and let myself be myself.

I can't wait.

spinning on that dizzy edge

Alcohol is coloring my brain in warm light right now. I feel buzzed, loose and relaxed. No anxiety. It's nice. I had a good time tonight with my friend Dollface tonight. We did our Thursday night girl's night out. I love hanging out with her so much. Weird but I knew she & I had the potential for a great friendship the very first time I laid eyes on her. It's so good to have someone to talk to.

I feel so out of place when I go out nowadays. I need to find the right place to hang out. I never feel 'at home' anywhere. Everyone is either way younger, or way older, than I am, everywhere I go. The music is not relatable to me. I feel lost and yeah- too old (or too young, depending on the place) I need a hangout. I need a niche.

And now I need my bed. The room is spinning oh my. And I only had 4 drinks!

al key hall

If you saw me out in a crowd, you might think I'm a snob. I'd be the one standing slightly apart from everyone else, uninvolved and watching quietly. I would appear silent and separate from the herd.

Some people take this as a snobbish disinterest; nothing could be further from the truth. 'Cause in truth- I am watching everything. I am quietly absorbing every gesture, word and facial expression going on around me. I am making up background stories for the strangers in the room in my head. I am observing the human crawl. I am very involved, in my own way. When I'm in a room, I know more about every person in that room than they would ever imagine that I do- even strangers- out of simple close observation and lots of practice at human-watching. I can read emotions that you aren't even aware that you are showing in your physicality. I can tell lots about people from taking a lingering look at how they wear their clothing, their posture, the way they hold their heads when they stand. I am The Observer, and I am ALWAYS watching.

Always watching but, separate... because I never feel like one of you.
Not unless I've had a few!

Because when I get inebriated, the other side comes out. The Me that hides deep down inside, safe behind my many internal shells and walls and curtains and gates and land mines and force fields. Silly, funny, open and free. The Lady Joker, doing anything and everything to make my people laugh. This is a side of me that feels like a last, leftover piece of the original. And that definitely comes out with alcohol.

If you stood Drunk Me and Sober Me side by side, you would almost believe you were seeing 2 different people. And Drunk Me would be trying to make Sober Me laugh most likely, while Sober Me stood there tensely, wondering why the fuck this strange drunk lady is talking to her.

I hate to lean on alcohol for social lubrication, dammit. Not sure why it should it bother me, everyone else does it. And I mean everyone. I don't know anyone who doesn't drink, and they all drink about 10 times more than I do. Still, I hate having to use alcohol to bring out my open side. I hate that I have this overzealous defense mechanism when I am out amongst humans... to the point where I just can't feel relaxed w/out drinking. Because while I am always, always watching in general, specifically I am also always watching for The One That Will Do Me Harm. The potential mugger, rapist, murderer. Paranoid? YES. I am. But, I have survived some of these things already, so I am aware more than most that they are out there, among us, always... and more than half the time they look perfectly normal and harmless... the ones who are looking for prey or an easy victim. I know they are in every crowd I am in. It's an inevitable statistic.

So, my public tenseness is the tenseness of a gazelle watching for tigers, not the tenseness of snobbery or disinterest. This is one thing I wish that more people understood about me. It's a crowd thing. And to me- more than 2 is a 'crowd'. I am actually pretty great in one-on-one situations.

So, if you see me out there, try to understand. Or buy me a drink!
(but if you do- be forewarned, you may release the goofster!)

*hic*

Being drunk is so freeing. Being drunk lets you say whatever is in your brain and you don't even have to remember it the next day. I am drunk right now. I feel like I should take advantage of this momentous freedom of the Id but I can't think of anything intelligent to say. Hahahaha.

The world is shiftng, side to side, but verrrrry slowly. I have so mayny briliiant things to say but I cant type. Damn.