Sunday, June 15, 2008
I am a well-seasoned night owl and insomniac. My internal clock has been amped to high during the late night hours since I was a kid, so being liveliest at night is natural to me. But for the past decade I have also had the cannot-fall-asleep thing happening, I usually have to exhaust my racing brain in order to get it to shut the f**k up and it's rare that I fall asleep early. I've tried the usual- hot tea, counting sheep, soothing music, yadda yadda etc- but it's almost like my subconscious has this paranoia of going to bed before a certain time in the early morning hours. Recently I realized that the hour I can't seem to fall asleep prior to, is the approximate hour that both my mother and my sister passed away. I'm sure some would love to analyze that one. Bad moons rising. When I do fall asleep, I have the most bizarre dreams... lately there has been a series of recurring ones that rotate around my twisted little head. One of those is about a place, very strange and surreal in that dreamlike way of course, neons and purples and greens and reds and smoke hugging the ground... it's always nighttime, and I'm standing outside of some kind of club or bar... it winds around like a Nautilus shell to a velvety interior with the entrance to the heart of the place deep inside. And people are drifting in and out, beautiful people in beautiful clothes, in groups of 2's, 3', and 4's, laughing, cheeks reddened, partying down... they let bits of colored light and music spill out behind them in the doorway and it looks good in there, good, nice and cozy... and I always watch, from outside looking in... but I never go inside... I never get to see what's in there. I'm not sure how to get in, am I even allowed to go in? Nobody talks to me, and I talk to no one. People part and flow around me like I'm ghostly. And I always feel like I'm dressed totally wrong, I feel like I have forgotten something really important, there is always a sense of urgent awkwardness. Is something important happening inside? Was I supposed to bring something? Was I meeting someone here? Sometimes everyone is a stranger. Sometimes not. The circumstances, the details, the individuals and the sequences are always different, but always within that same premise... sometimes I like being invisible and watching everyone ebb around me... other times it makes me feel so lonely. Strangely, even though I often wake up intermittently while I sleep, I tend to just weave in and out of the same variation of one dream as I fall in and out of sleep, which is confusing as Hell. No matter what I dream or how I sleep, though, I always wake up the exact same way.... with a uberhyperactive chihuahua in my face. Yip yip.