Wednesday, August 29, 2012

Haven't had a dream in a long time

All I want in life is to be happy. Just, simply, happy.

But it's never been easy. I've had times where I have grabbed on to happiness, for fleeting moments. But it always breaks apart, disintegrates. Corrupts and fades. I am so scared that I will live a whole life of hardship, and never know what it is to feel calm, at peace, SAFE, happy.

 There are those who say that life is 'what you make it'. That you will get back whatever you put out into the Universe. I call bullshit on that one.Because I am not a bad person. I strive every single day to be good and loving. All of my life I have been a 'pleaser', wanting only to make those around me happy. I am kindhearted (almost to a fault). I've given my time and my work to charity wherever possible. I rescue stray animals. I help out people- even strangers- whenever I have the means to do so. I am filled to the brim with such intense love for the people in my life, for my pets, for the Universe itself. I have been waiting so long for this concept of karma to materialize in my life. I have been waiting so long for the love I bleed out so wrenchingly from my wounded heart to somehow come back to me, and to stay.

 It comes, but only in very rare, small doses. And it never lasts. I've been abandoned by almost my entire family (I told a relative off for making fun of/saying disrespectful things about my deceased little sister, so in return they exiled me without mercy) I thought that I had good friends, but the veiled hatred that one of them was hiding towards me (as she seemed to care for my ex bf a little too much, and me not quite enough) and the judgements she made publicly and untruthfully about me poisoned almost every friendship I have here where I live, they walked away from me. I have never really had anything consistent in my life. I have never had the kind of support system that most people take for granted as part of their normal lives. I have been left to fend for myself... scrounging for love and acceptance and emotional support.

Please, Universe, if you are listening. Please take mercy on me. Please ease the hurting that I live with in every breath. Please show me what receiving unconditional love feels like. Please, before I die, just allow me to experience what seems to be so normal for most everyone else who have long term friends, who have family members that really, really love them.

I promise in return to be the very best human that I can be, I will work even harder than I already do, I will try to learn to make the world and myself better, if you will only allow me just a little bit of peace. And a little bit of unconditional love. Please please please....


SwingMan1937 said...

I gather you & your sweetheart from 1994 have split? If so, shake hands with a fellow ostracized victim of unlucky love.

Took myself off the market because of attracting a long string of takers who preyed on my kindness& openness as a weakness.

I've also been screwed over by just about every immediate family member - what's left when you can't trust family?

I've pretty much had to depend on myself and shut my emotions in a shell of bitterness for the most part - not a seething bitterness, but more like a leary type of bitterness.

I guess the best advice I can give out with is not to bend & compromise - it may not help find you romance, but it will earn you (like it has for me) some respect.

Been reading your blogs for the better part of the past 6 years and, emotionally, I feel like you & I have traveled similar paths. Just stay true to yourself, be confident in that and know that, if nothing else, due to my presence, you're not alone. :)

Shady said...

I haven't split up with my guy. Tho with the way things always go in my life, I don't ever feel secure or that anything is gonna last- the hard-earned pessimist in me- so I always fear that a good thing will eventually end for me.

My family has abandoned me completely. And the friends that come in & out of my life never stay. It's like they come, get what they need from me, and then they just leave me by the wayside without a second glance.

It's fucking hard. I hate being alone but I guess it's my lot in life.

I don't post that much here anymore because I feel like I'd end up posting too much angst and everyone would get sick of hearing it.

Thanks for your comment... always good to know that somebody is listening....

SwingMan1937 said...

Yep - takers (your "friends"). That's what I used to attract in romantic relationships. You nailed it - they get what they need, then walk right away. Last relationship I had, when the money ran out, so did she. That was back in 2003 and that's when I yanked myself off the relationship market. It gets lonely at times, but I'm definitely happier in the long run - what little I have in my wallet these days stays there & the games are LONG gone. LOL!

Same here with "friends", too. They come and go - mostly go, especially when tough times come along.

I can definitely understand why you've been staying away from blogging - it takes more courage than I can even imagine to put yourself out there. I'll tell you one thing, though - you've helped me a great deal over the years with the blogs. Lots of life lessons and a voice of understanding, especially from a fellow generation X'er (1971 - 41 for me will come in about 3 weeks) - not to mention your priceless sense of humor. ;)

Thank goodness you & your BF are still together - I don't mind telling you that there's a few women from high school and my young adult life that I wish I had a second chance with. Main problem is, the ones I've managed re-connect with are either married, have children (who I wish I had more patience with, but just don't), both of the above or just are set entirely in their own lives - I guess what I'm saying is, try not to waste the 2nd chance you have with your BF by weighing it down with negative expectations. As a fellow pessimist, trust me, I know it's easier said than done - I guess I'm just coming from a place of realized mistakes & blown opportunities.

Come September 20th, I'll be hopping a train for New Orleans from Maricopa, AZ (my mother & I are splitting expenses - probably the one family member that hasn't written me off, though even she used to let years go by without contact) for the 2nd time in as many years. And, like last year, one of the stops on the way just so happens to be El Paso - if the stop were longer than half an hour or so, I'd suggest a short meeting, if for nothing else than to buy a round & say thanks.

But, in any case, just know that you've got a grateful listener here that'll be hanging out whenever you're ready to post again. :)

If you'd like, give me a blast at Facebook - I've linked to it in my username here (name's Mark - "SwingMan1937" is actually my YouTube handle, but I use that in the Facebook URL for folks following me from YouTube).

Anonymous said...

I'm glad that you and your true love are back together; that should help ease the burdens that haunt you now.

Wish you would update Lost Destinations and don't forget to renew that domain in November. I hated to see virtual lair go away too.

I didn't know you had a blog lmao. I haven't contacted you since what, 2002 or so? Anyway, sent you an email because I want to buy something off of Heather Shade...answer back.

Anonymous said...

I read you plea to the universe and I just wanted to point out that you were asking the right questions but you were not asking the right one. You will NEVER get what you want out of things or even people. There is a GOD shaped vacuum that only JESUS can fill. Call out to Him instead of the universe and He will satisfy. I know because we have taken similar paths and I would be dead and in hell now if it weren't for Him. I know rejection, I know hurt and I know depression , but He doesn't deliver me from these; He delivers me in these. He helps me to grow and get strong and He didn't save me because I was good enough either. He saved me because He died for me in spite of the dog I was and offered salvation to me full and free because He paid the price. He died for you too and it would be a shame if you didn't take advantage of it. The Bible says we are all sinners so even if we seem good we are not----, not when we are measured by His high standard. Come as you are with just one plea; but that thy BLOOD was shed for me and that Thou biddest me come to thee. O lamb of GOD I come, I come. Come only if you are ready to be changed. Only come and He will do the rest. A Christian is not good to be saved; they are good only because they have been saved. People will fail you but GOD never will. He will love you unconditionally and has promised NEVER to leave or forsake you. He doesn't just change your destination; He changes YOU. ROMANS 10:13 says " for WHOSOEVER shall CALL upon the name of the LORD SHALL BE SAVED".