All I want in life is to be happy. Just, simply, happy.
But it's never been easy. I've had times where I have grabbed on to happiness, for fleeting moments. But it always breaks apart, disintegrates. Corrupts and fades. I am so scared that I will live a whole life of hardship, and never know what it is to feel calm, at peace, SAFE, happy.
There are those who say that life is 'what you make it'. That you will get back whatever you put out into the Universe. I call bullshit on that one.Because I am not a bad person. I strive every single day to be good and loving. All of my life I have been a 'pleaser', wanting only to make those around me happy. I am kindhearted (almost to a fault). I've given my time and my work to charity wherever possible. I rescue stray animals. I help out people- even strangers- whenever I have the means to do so. I am filled to the brim with such intense love for the people in my life, for my pets, for the Universe itself. I have been waiting so long for this concept of karma to materialize in my life. I have been waiting so long for the love I bleed out so wrenchingly from my wounded heart to somehow come back to me, and to stay.
It comes, but only in very rare, small doses. And it never lasts. I've been abandoned by almost my entire family (I told a relative off for making fun of/saying disrespectful things about my deceased little sister, so in return they exiled me without mercy) I thought that I had good friends, but the veiled hatred that one of them was hiding towards me (as she seemed to care for my ex bf a little too much, and me not quite enough) and the judgements she made publicly and untruthfully about me poisoned almost every friendship I have here where I live, they walked away from me. I have never really had anything consistent in my life. I have never had the kind of support system that most people take for granted as part of their normal lives. I have been left to fend for myself... scrounging for love and acceptance and emotional support.
Please, Universe, if you are listening. Please take mercy on me. Please ease the hurting that I live with in every breath. Please show me what receiving unconditional love feels like. Please, before I die, just allow me to experience what seems to be so normal for most everyone else who have long term friends, who have family members that really, really love them.
I promise in return to be the very best human that I can be, I will work even harder than I already do, I will try to learn to make the world and myself better, if you will only allow me just a little bit of peace. And a little bit of unconditional love. Please please please....
