Tuesday, February 26, 2013

so much life...

I love discovering hidden things. I was recently poking around in a thrift shop, and happened to open up a hidden drawer of an old wooden jewelry box... I found this hidden, folded-up piece of paper inside... I unfolded it, and this is what it said....

"So much life, so many species, some transformed in the relentless, rhythmic march of evolution, others swept away in the natural innocence of a random cosmic catastrophy."

I took this photo, and then put it back where I found it ♥

Wednesday, August 29, 2012

Haven't had a dream in a long time

All I want in life is to be happy. Just, simply, happy.

But it's never been easy. I've had times where I have grabbed on to happiness, for fleeting moments. But it always breaks apart, disintegrates. Corrupts and fades. I am so scared that I will live a whole life of hardship, and never know what it is to feel calm, at peace, SAFE, happy.

 There are those who say that life is 'what you make it'. That you will get back whatever you put out into the Universe. I call bullshit on that one.Because I am not a bad person. I strive every single day to be good and loving. All of my life I have been a 'pleaser', wanting only to make those around me happy. I am kindhearted (almost to a fault). I've given my time and my work to charity wherever possible. I rescue stray animals. I help out people- even strangers- whenever I have the means to do so. I am filled to the brim with such intense love for the people in my life, for my pets, for the Universe itself. I have been waiting so long for this concept of karma to materialize in my life. I have been waiting so long for the love I bleed out so wrenchingly from my wounded heart to somehow come back to me, and to stay.

 It comes, but only in very rare, small doses. And it never lasts. I've been abandoned by almost my entire family (I told a relative off for making fun of/saying disrespectful things about my deceased little sister, so in return they exiled me without mercy) I thought that I had good friends, but the veiled hatred that one of them was hiding towards me (as she seemed to care for my ex bf a little too much, and me not quite enough) and the judgements she made publicly and untruthfully about me poisoned almost every friendship I have here where I live, they walked away from me. I have never really had anything consistent in my life. I have never had the kind of support system that most people take for granted as part of their normal lives. I have been left to fend for myself... scrounging for love and acceptance and emotional support.

Please, Universe, if you are listening. Please take mercy on me. Please ease the hurting that I live with in every breath. Please show me what receiving unconditional love feels like. Please, before I die, just allow me to experience what seems to be so normal for most everyone else who have long term friends, who have family members that really, really love them.

I promise in return to be the very best human that I can be, I will work even harder than I already do, I will try to learn to make the world and myself better, if you will only allow me just a little bit of peace. And a little bit of unconditional love. Please please please....

Friday, November 11, 2011

The Eyes Have It

Aww, look at that happy little eyeball!

In the last few years, while I have been struggling with my situation, and my depression... one of the saddest thing was to look into my own eyes. The loneliness was so clear in my eyes. They were dull and lifeless and tinged with hurt. It made it hard to even look at myself sometimes.

Now here is a photo that I shot yesterday. Yes I was showing off my new tattoo :P But I am accidentally showing off something else as well. My pure fucking unadulterated HAPPINESS. This is a picture of a person in love, complete and utter L-O-V-E.

Ain't it beautiful...? You know it is ;)

Wednesday, November 9, 2011

True Romance

I had barely turned 21 when I met Dean, the guy of my dreams.

The meeting place was unlikely for a true romance: a cheesy nightclub in Juarez Mexico. But the conversation was fun, the chemistry was serious, and a bold kiss at the end of the night sealed the deal.

He called me early the next morning (a very un-'dudebro' like move... I always liked my men to be men, so this was very good indeed) It was on. And it didn't take long before we were madly in love.

a pic of us on our honeymoon at Disneyland, 1994, omg we were babies!

I don't know how to explain the way we connected so fast, but we did. Our bond was really deep. We got married at the courthouse, just the 2 of us, and no one even knew about it for awhile because we were keeping it to ourselves.

Were we very happy together. But we were also very young. And dumb. Immature even. Inevitably it led to fights of the dumbest kind. Fights over nonsense. We said and did things that hurt each other.

And then we split up. I always regretted it.

We didn't stay in touch. Both of us ended up moving around and traveling the country for a lot of years. And the years added up. The odds that we would ever find each other again seemed pretty slim. I never met anyone else who could possibly be my other half the way he was.

17 years passed by. We both went through a lot. But I never forgot him.

reunited and it feeeeels so goooood... I'm dating my ex-husband and loving it!

And then, 2011: due to the great powers of the almighty internets, Dean tracked me down! Holy moley what a shocker. I'm honestly surprised that I didn't have a heart attack on the spot (I'm old-ish you know!!) We decided to get together... to talk, and to lay the bad parts of our history to rest.

To make a long story short, it was really obbbbbvious once we laid eyes on each other again that all of those old feelings had never gone away for either of us. The first day we hung out, we spent 11 hours in a bar (barflys!)... just talking about anything and about everything. That was one of the most amazing days ever. I knew that I had never stopped loving this guy!

And now? We are back together and even happier than we were before. How often does THAT happen? One in a million odds.

these suckers are not ever coming off, por vida, baby!

Since we are not remarried (yet, that's down the road a bit), we decided to get these kickass tats of each others' initials on our ring fingers. I think the significance of that is pretty obvs *wink*

It seems like no time has passed at all. We fell right back into our happy patterns. But this time, with the maturity and experience and respect that it takes to be in a grown-up, for-realies relationship with another person.

And with a definite appreciation of what we found again together after 17 years.

hd= high def... he still gives me butterflies...

Maybe sometimes the right people meet at the wrong time? Maybe what we have is so intense that we had to be really ready for it? Maybe it was destined for all these years to go by until we got to this magnificent, lucky place, and reconnected? We'll never know. But it happens, people! Take heart!

And Great Odin's Raven, am I ever happy that we have been granted this rare 2nd chance at first love. So far, it's even better the second time around...

I love you, baby <3

Saturday, September 3, 2011

Don't Tread On Me

I used to choose my relationships so poorly, because I never felt that I mattered as much as other people did. It took me a long time, and some exes who treated me badly, to finally learn these lessons.

They never got me. They never will. There is so much more to me than what they saw, than what they wanted me to be for them. So much more, past the cowed, past the insecure crumble, way beyond the victim, so far beyond the pleaser, and the weak, tear-stained crier. Just so much more inside, that they never even recognized. Pity- them, they couldn't handle it. They never recognized my FIRE. And I do have fire. It may have been dampened but it never went out. Now it burns brighter all the time.

Past relationships, they were always so dependent on me being that girl... that ''fucked up girl"... so much more easily controlled that way. And for so long it seemed easier to just give in. But guess what, the girl was not quite as fucked up as they counted on. She finally learned, kicked the damagers to the curb, and she found a tiny little foundation... it was enough to begin building a life on.

The slightest hope, the smallest belief, that I was worth more than how I had been treated, that's what it took to get started... the realization: "I'm better than that, oh Hell yes, I am...." and so it begun. A life was built, by and by. And it was so hard. But I did it. And the right people found me when it was the right time and place, when I took a stand against being treated like trash and held those in my life to higher standards. I don't need the bottom feeders, the ones who yell, the drunken idiots without control over themselves, the insecure, the controllers, the egocentric. All I ever really needed was me... because yes, it's true, I really can take care of myself! Whatever comes after is a bonus.

I'm so much better now. In a place that can't be ransacked. No one to call me a bitch. No one to hurt me in so many other ways, or with so many other words. No one to hit me in the face, no one to leave their bruises on my body. No one takes me for granted anymore. No one to intimidate me. I have not allowed myself to be put down by a man, or made to feel inferior by one, or been called any names by one, for years now. Because I don't, and never did deserve that... whatever the case may have been. And I would never take that kind of treatment again. So I piss you off? Discuss it like an adult. Be calm. Keep your cool. DON'T HIT (or push, or grab, or threaten, or scream at) GIRLS. This is something most people have learned at a young age and it shouldn't have to be repeated.

They wouldn't understand this, of course. They can't. Nothing beyond the surface layers ever mattered to them. It was always about their control and their egos. About shaping their twist on 'me'. But they forgot that there was more, so much more, to a human being... and so much more to me. Oh well, they never had the balls to go there, to join me there, as equals, did they? They were more interested in being the superior party who always dictated everything, while I held off the rushes. And gave in, in every other way.

Well now, fuck that.

Life should never have to be that way. We all have that strength inside of us to stand up for ourselves and to be respected. I live on my own now, in my own place. And I do what it takes to maintain it. I am not some hanger-on. I do what I need to do to take care of my family. I will persevere, in that regard. Bet on that. I am not rich, money-wise. But I am rich in a million other ways, and money does not mean everything, it comes, it goes. What stays is what you are left with... and what is left of you. Don't ever let anyone mess with that.

It is more valuable than gold <3

Tuesday, August 30, 2011

Doll Parts

It's been a loooong time since I have posted here. I know, I know! But I am going to try to get back to it. Since my favorite time-wasting video game has been down for days, I started playing around with Polyvore, one of my old favorite online hobbies.... well, it was a favorite until a boy told me that it was a dumb & pointless activity and I then felt dumb/embarrassed for playing with it... but upon revisiting it, it's totally not dumb and, is fun, artistic, and creatively challenging! Lesson learned: never listen to boys!

So here, I present a set inspired by Hole's fantastic Doll Parts... part babydoll and lace, part sweet and part twisted, and with a bit of 'cake' thrown in for good measure...

Doll Parts

TopShop going out dress
Low heels, $245
Juicy couture handbag, $390
Jessica Kagan Cushman bangle bracelet, $113
Margaux Lange heart necklace, £145
Carmina Campus star earrings, €130
Margaux Lange long chain necklace, £155
Halston Heritage wide belt, $107
Semi Matte Lipstick - NARS, $24
Hottopic - Search Results for nail polish, $3.99
Barbie™ ♥ Jonathan Adler Malibu Candle | Barbie Collector, $5

Are you on Polvore? Feel free to hit me up I love to see what others are doing with it! <3

Friday, November 5, 2010

Open House

So things are a little hamster-centric around here lately.

Deal with it.

Ha ha kidding. But seriously... I do have a tinge of hamstermania at the moment. Getting to know my new hamster Angelina has been a trip, and has brought back memories.

When I was a kid I wanted nothing. more. than. a. HAMSTER! It was all I dreamed about.

And then, one birthday, I got one.

Here is a pic of me, all pretty in pink for my b-day shenanigans. I remember being extra excited that day as I was allowed to put on some blush for the first time ever. Yeah it was a little on the Baby Jane side. That's ok. I rocked it.

And so what! I had A HAMSTER!!

A sweet, soft, adorable hamster all my own. I would love it, and it would love me, and we would have lovely tea parties and it would travel around in my pocket and I would just snuggle it and cuddle it and pet it's fluffy little furs forever and ever.

Oh, it was all going to be glorious.

But alas, this hamster fairytale was not to be.

From what I recall, this man-eating hamster tried to devour a chunk out of my finger pretty much the very first time I touched it, savagely ripping into my flesh with it's razor-sharp hamster fangs and drawing blood. I cried and cried.

And thus my prior opinion of hamsters can be summed up in this classic little ditty here.

I never had a hamster again.

Until now!

As you guys know I was recently persuaded to adopt a very cute and wee little dwarf hamster, and have been getting to know her. Though I do still feel a little bit of (skin-crawling, paralyzing) fear when she gets near my (soft, bite-able) fingers, things have been going ok so far.

And in our most recent chapter of this new hamster journey, may I present to you... Angelina's new bachelorette pad.

Ta da:

And what a pad it is... everything a lil hamster could want in a pimped out hammie house, and it's all hers.

The elevated wheel not only spins, but spins around a track so that she can get that much-needed exercise. Did you know that hamsters run up to 5 miles per day? True.

(she also got a new exercise ball)

It's also got a groovy spiral slide. And a nice upstairs 'dining room' that I can easily access to hand feed/spoil her with treats and snacks. And seeds. And stuff.

Whilst hoping that she does not viciously sink her killer teeth into my fingers.

Ok now this is where hamsters have always gotten me- the facial expressions.


Here, she was tearing up some soft new bedding to go inside of her little purple sleepy-den. Nothin is cuter than a hamster with it's cheeks stuffed full, d'aww.

Also, note that ridiculously cute teeny broom. No, she does not use it for cleaning her cage (as if!) And no, she is not an itty bitty witch and does not use it for transportation (ok, Ken? :P) It's for chewin'. And/or chawin'.

Hope that you enjoy your new house, Angelina!

All photographs copyright Heather Shade